On Merc(ur)y

I realized in spin class on Saturday morning that I’m pissed off. The instructor warned us we’d be riding hills – the best way to transform instantly into a panting, sweating mess – and advised us to think of something that made us angry, adding “I find that when I’m angry, it’s much easier to push through the hardest parts.”

It turns out I’m angry about a few things these days. The debate around the proposed Islamic community center near the World Trade Center sets me off but good. I’m usually pretty adept at expressing myself, but I turn into a sputtering version of Elmer Fudd when I try to clearly express all the reasons for why this debate shouldn’t exist at all.

I got through the first hill without even realizing it. I snapped out of my internal rant midway through the recovery period.

Hill number two.

I’m also pretty damn hot under the collar about my dying cat. Mercury’s my step-cat, but we’ve spent over two years together. O and I came home from vacation and found her on the brink of death with sudden renal failure. She’s hanging in there, but it’s been shocking, depressing and just plain sad. Our little family has been thrown for a loop, and our other cat, Z, has not escaped unscathed from the trauma. Instead of booting her out of the way when the food bowl gets filled, he’s taken to sitting back, as if he knows she needs it more. On the worst nights, when we don’t know if she’ll make it to morning, he holds vigil beside her, waking us up with his crying. O’s dedication and care with them breaks my heart a little. If Mercury’s time didn’t seem foreshortened, I’d be doing better with this, I think. But she’s only nine. I wasn’t prepared to watch my loved ones hurt, furry or not. First I get sad, then I get mad.

After the second hill, I realized this anger business was really doing the job. On the third hill, simmering over the fury I’d whipped up, I realized I need to find a way to keep my negative stewing at bay when I’m not working it out at the gym. To dissipate my bitterness, I am going to focus on O’s kindness and Z’s compassion. I am going to pay more attention to Mercury’s grace in her new, transitional place. I will continue to surround myself with people who make sense to me and remain thankful for the people in this world who stand up for tolerance and acceptance.

Forty five minutes had passed and all that anger had been poured into my workout. I felt so good I signed up for five personal training sessions. If I keep this up, I should be the embodiment of Zen by October.