On Bubble Yum & Shamans (aka, Living this Life)

You see, I want a lot. Perhaps I want everything. -Rilke-

The fleas are gone. The geraniums have new blossoms. Two of my friends each had a beautiful, baby girl in the last week. And yesterday, I was fitted for reading glasses. These are all signs that time is moving right along. And, truth be told, I’m feeling a bit of pressure.

Last night, I stopped at the local general store to pick up a bottle of wine for dinner (and a big slice of red velvet cake just because). As she rang up the wine, the cashier looked at me and said, “You’re over 21, right?” to which I replied, “Times two.” Not exactly, but it sounded pithy and I was making a point. Then, I told her about the reading glasses. Across the cash register, we bonded over aging; this led to her reflection on the choices she has made. She told me that people often tut-tut about her being forty-something without ever having been married or having had kids. Actually, the term she used for married was “dodged that bullet” while literally swinging her head low to demonstrate the “dodging.” I bid her a kind farewell and left, wine and cake in hand, pondering my own choices.

A shaman once told me that I am currently living my last life. I have apparently had many previous lives, one being as a fantastic landscaper -funny that- but according to her, this life is it. (H. and I were walking down a New York street a couple of years ago when I shared this fact with her. She immediately burst into angry tears at the thought that I wasn't going to be in her future lives and had choice words to say about the shaman.) I don't know if it's true, but I can’t help but feel that I’m supposed to do something utterly fabulous before I leave this planet, and I don’t even know what it is.

To add more pressure, I also tend toward indecisiveness. This used to drive my mom batty when she offered to buy me Bubble Yum and I had to choose a flavor. Grape or cherry? Grape or cherry? GRAPE OR CHERRY?!?! The weight I feel when making decisions has carried over to my adult life. Deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage took a couple of years. Whether to stay in Manhattan or move to Maui? Three years. Now, it’s true that these life-impacting decisions deserved some thoughtful reflection. Still, overall, Me + Pressure = Agony. And now that I’ve become acutely aware of time rolling merrily along…Good grief!

Like Rilke, I really do want a lot. Perhaps, everything. But what does that look like? I want Big Laughter and Big Joy and Big Love. Sometimes, I realize, big joy comes in small packages, like standing at my kitchen counter eating cake. This I know. When I'm old and gray, wearing even stronger reading glasses, I want to sit back and think, "There. Look at what you lived."